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nerwengreenOn a completely different blog than the one here, foliedemars said:
If a man considers sexual activity the most important thing, has a closed mind in regards to how it should go down, thinks men and women can't be true friends, and believes emotions are a problem, he has no business bothering me to begin with. [...] He must bring genuine friendship, respect, and feelings to the table if he expects intimacy.
She's been working out that she's demisexual, but what keeps catching my attention is the way she describes what she's looking for in a man, which turns out to also be what I was looking for in a man, except I didn't have it down in words. Nearly every man (and a few women for that matter) that has approached me in the past has ended up making me want to get away from them, and some of them looked like pretty reasonable people other than the way they tried to approach. So, up until very recently, I assumed that the kind of guy who would know how to approach me successfully didn't exist.
Then I met Brett...
So to start, I wasn't physically attracted to him at all. I did get the impression that he might be interested in me, but because I wasn't interested in him, I assumed that in the near future I might have to fend him off. Just like all the other past guys. Either by being completely oblivious to their hints about wanting things, or if they're direct about it, I end up becoming distant and minimally responsive.
Then he didn't try to approach me for romance at all. He was super keen to give me his phone number the second time I showed up to board games, but it was to invite me to a different board game group. That he would give me a ride to. Which is exactly what happened, though it did cross my mind that he might drive me into the woods somewhere and I'd never be heard from again.
He didn't hide that he was interested in me, but he was very circumspect about it, and he mainly seemed interested in my board game playing skills rather than my physical appearance, which was a completely new experience for me. Me as a person as opposed to me for my looks. It made me curious and want to look at him closer.
We got together as friends to do other things, such as a 1.5 hour trip to Kaiteriteri (a really nice beach), and a 1.5 hour trip to Blenheim so I could buy an ebike in the nearest bike shop that sold what I wanted, and of course lots of board games. ("1.5 hours one-way? ehh, that's not that far..." was what he said about it...) Everything he said and did was no-strings-attached friendship. He wasn't expecting anything from me in return.
There were times when I described stuff I planned to do and got the impression he wanted me to invite him along, but he never said anything, and didn't try to invite himself along. Whenever I did invite him to something, he always said yes - even the time a local church group wanted to do a hike and picnic on a day when it was pouring down rain (he mentioned later that he thought entering a church might cause him to burst into flames). There were times when I was doing stuff by myself, and it occurred to me that I didn't have to be alone anymore if I didn't want to be, because if I asked him along he'd come. I could choose, and it was entirely my choice.
There came a moment when I was walking somewhere, and passed a couple holding hands. And I realized that for once I wasn't the least bit envious, because ... I had someone too. Somehow he had taken over and filled up the empty space while I wasn't looking, and he was right there being emotionally supportive even when he wasn't there. And I could have him if I asked.
After that I moved in for some light cuddling, and he took that as a sign to move in for some light kissing, and it kind of went from there. In the first few days when we were shifting from friendship to more, the hottest thing he said to me was "I will always be honest with you [and therefore I'm not saying anything about what cards I have in this game we were playing at the time]." And I believe him when he says that, because he always has been, especially about himself, even the parts that might not make him look good.
Long story short, he got me by not approaching at all, by not trying to convince me that I should like him, but by giving me everything I needed to know to decide if I wanted to come closer to him. And making it clear that he wouldn't hold it against me if I didn't, because continuing to be friends is what he most wants regardless of whatever else happens. (And I believe him when he says that too, because he has lost friends due to bad breakups before.)
All of the above is not even getting to the sex. We do that too, but he actually prefers to cuddle. If the sex doesn't go well, it doesn't matter in the slightest, because cuddles. (A man who likes cuddling more than sex. Speaking of myths...)
I'm still not physically attracted to him. But it turns out that if I'm strongly emotionally attracted to him, what he looks like doesn't actually matter.
foliedemars said: If a man considers sexual activity the most important thing, has a closed mind in regards to how it should go down, thinks men and women can't be true friends, and believes emotions are a problem, he has no business bothering me to begin with. [...] He must bring genuine friendship, respect, and feelings to the table if he expects intimacy.
She's been working out that she's demisexual, but what keeps catching my attention is the way she describes what she's looking for in a man, which turns out to also be what I was looking for in a man, except I didn't have it down in words. Nearly every man (and a few women for that matter) that has approached me in the past has ended up making me want to get away from them, and some of them looked like pretty reasonable people other than the way they tried to approach. So, up until very recently, I assumed that the kind of guy who would know how to approach me successfully didn't exist.
Then I met Brett...
So to start, I wasn't physically attracted to him at all. I did get the impression that he might be interested in me, but because I wasn't interested in him, I assumed that in the near future I might have to fend him off. Just like all the other past guys. Either by being completely oblivious to their hints about wanting things, or if they're direct about it, I end up becoming distant and minimally responsive.
Then he didn't try to approach me for romance at all. He was super keen to give me his phone number the second time I showed up to board games, but it was to invite me to a different board game group. That he would give me a ride to. Which is exactly what happened, though it did cross my mind that he might drive me into the woods somewhere and I'd never be heard from again.
He didn't hide that he was interested in me, but he was very circumspect about it, and he mainly seemed interested in my board game playing skills rather than my physical appearance, which was a completely new experience for me. Me as a person as opposed to me for my looks. It made me curious and want to look at him closer.
We got together as friends to do other things, such as a 1.5 hour trip to Kaiteriteri (a really nice beach), and a 1.5 hour trip to Blenheim so I could buy an ebike in the nearest bike shop that sold what I wanted, and of course lots of board games. ("1.5 hours one-way? ehh, that's not that far..." was what he said about it...) Everything he said and did was no-strings-attached friendship. He wasn't expecting anything from me in return.
There were times when I described stuff I planned to do and got the impression he wanted me to invite him along, but he never said anything, and didn't try to invite himself along. Whenever I did invite him to something, he always said yes - even the time a local church group wanted to do a hike and picnic on a day when it was pouring down rain (he mentioned later that he thought entering a church might cause him to burst into flames). There were times when I was doing stuff by myself, and it occurred to me that I didn't have to be alone anymore if I didn't want to be, because if I asked him along he'd come. I could choose, and it was entirely my choice.
There came a moment when I was walking somewhere, and passed a couple holding hands. And I realized that for once I wasn't the least bit envious, because ... I had someone too. Somehow he had taken over and filled up the empty space while I wasn't looking, and he was right there being emotionally supportive even when he wasn't there. And I could have him if I asked.
After that I moved in for some light cuddling, and he took that as a sign to move in for some light kissing, and it kind of went from there. In the first few days when we were shifting from friendship to more, the hottest thing he said to me was "I will always be honest with you [and therefore I'm not saying anything about what cards I have in this game we were playing at the time]." And I believe him when he says that, because he always has been, especially about himself, even the parts that might not make him look good.
Long story short, he got me by not approaching at all, by not trying to convince me that I should like him, but by giving me everything I needed to know to decide if I wanted to come closer to him. And making it clear that he wouldn't hold it against me if I didn't, because continuing to be friends is what he most wants regardless of whatever else happens. (And I believe him when he says that too, because he has lost friends due to bad breakups before.)
All of the above is not even getting to the sex. We do that too, but he actually prefers to cuddle. If the sex doesn't go well, it doesn't matter in the slightest, because cuddles. (A man who likes cuddling more than sex. Speaking of myths...)
I'm still not physically attracted to him. But it turns out that if I'm strongly emotionally attracted to him, what he looks like doesn't actually matter.
no subject
Date: 2018-12-10 11:56 pm (UTC)I definitely fall somewhere in between demi and sexual, but a little closer on the demi side (you may have seen the chart I made elsewhere). It sounds like you may fall within that gray area as well. How refreshing it must be to meet a man who doesn't feel entitled or obsessed. I think being with someone who is demisexual would be an advantage, as we're not lusting over random people, or even the vast majority of people we know. Emotional bond = loyalty!